Bizarro Bowl Finale

Bizarro Bowl Preview Part 3 - Halftime Entertainment

At the Super Bowl, halftime entertainment has always been tapestry of magic and wonderment. From Carol Channing to Up With People (who played a record three times!!), the Super Bowl never fails to entertain when people are getting some beer and chicken wings or taking a leak. Well the Bizarro Bowl committe obviously lacks the funding to draw these major stars, but that doesn't mean that they can't entertain people. Without further ado, your Bizarro Bowl I halftime entertainment, the world's finest a Neil Diamond impersantor, Tom Sadge! Feel the excitement as Tom Sadge signs Neil Diamond like only he (and about the 4000 other Neil Diamond impersanators) can. Here is a breif preview of what to expect on Sunday:

It just gives me goosebumps just thinking about it. Come back tomorrow as we look at another aspect of Sunday's Big Game.

Bizarro Bowl Preview Part 2 - Gambling

When the Bizarro Bowl line opened at Cincinnati -2.5, the gamblers went nuts and drove the line all the way to -3.5. Wow people must be really excited to put their money down on the likes of Ryan Fitzpatrick and Chad Johnson Ocho Cinco Giant Douchebag. Well, the Lions have yet to win a game all season so it looks like a good bet, right? Let's see how the Lions and Bengals did against the spread (ATS) this year. According to this website, both the Lions and Bengals actually went 7-9 ATS. So this tells us while both teams are bad, they weren't as bad as people expected them to be each week. The Lions actually won their last three of four ATS. The Bengals won their last three both outright and against the spread. So what is my official prediction for this bet? My advice is to not bet on these crap teams and do squares instead. At least with squares, you don't have to root for either one of these eysores.

Bizarro Bowl Preview Part 1 - Location

The inaugural Bizzaro Bowl is upon us and today we learn where the grand gala is happening. Drumroll please...


The Lions were so bad this year that the Bizarro Bowl could be only held one place this year, the Pontiac Silverdome. The Bizarro Bowl's organizers and sponsors were able to pony the $29.95 it took to bribe the Jehovah's Witnesses to hold their convention elsewhere. They just had to bring the bolt cutters so the fans can get in.

The media and all the sponsors were worried about having anything to do in Pontiac, but let's look at all the exciting activities Pontiac has to offer. First, you haven't partied unless you've partied at the Pinegrove Historical Society! And if you need a place to crash after your hard night of partying, you can do it where the Bengals are staying, the Victory Inn in Roseville. Tell 'em Chris Henry sent you and get a free eighth of the chronic. And lastly when you wake up and find yourself hungry, there are not one, not two, but three Arby's to satisfy your hankering for curly fries and horsey sauce. That's it for today, but check back tomorrow as we preview another exciting aspect of the Bizarro Bowl!

Detroit-St. Louis NFC Championship Game

The Detroit Lions are now at 0-17 and looking for a way to end their misery this season, but can they do something they haven't done all a season and put one in the win column? In their way, are the St. Louis Rams, winners of an actual Super Bowl and players that have actually been to a Pro Bowl. The Cowardly Lions lost in the Divisional Round to the Packers on a soul crushing fumble return for a touchdown and the Rams looked very ugly by getting shut out by the Seahawks. Is William Clay Ford Sr. actually watching the team he ran into the ground or is he just busy hiring more imcompetent people to do it for him? Video and recap right now.

1st Half


2nd Half


For fuck's sake, we get another scoreless first half as both teams suck so bad it's not funny (actually it is pretty funny.) The Rams went punt, punt and missed field goal and the Lions went interception, missed field goal and interception. Hey Lions and Rams, here is a suggestion: get a fucking quarterback that doesn't suck donkey dick. Even Rex Grossman would be an upgrade to the shit these teams put under center.

To start the second half, the Lions drive the ball to the Rams' 42 yard line and make the gutsy to call to go for it and fourth and four. Since this the Lions we're talking about here, they fail to convert. The Rams, emboldened by their defensive stand, march down the field and get the game's first points on a two yard touchdown run by Steven Jackson. After exchanging punts, Daunte Culpepper's third interception of the game pretty much seals the Lions' fate. However, an ill advised Marc Bulger pass leads to an interception gives the Lions a first down at their 31 yard line with 35 seconds left and no timeouts. The Lions just don't have any time to make a comeback and they advance to the Bizzaro Bowl to face the Bengals. Another day and another loss for the Lions. Can the finish off their disperfect season to go 19-0 and be the Bizarro Bowl champions or the can the Bengals pull off what the Giants did and shock the world? Check back later for all sorts of Bizzaro Bowl fun including previews, player profiles and gambling advice. Be safe out there!

Cincinnati-Oakland AFC Championship Game

Here we go people, in the first game of the conference championships, we have the Cincinnati Bengals taking on the Oakland Raiders!! Feel the excitement people! There hasn't been a buzz like this surronding a game since the epic clash between the Dayton Triangles and the Providence Steam Roller on September 29th, 1929 where the Triangles narrowly lost 41-0. And Lions fans, if you think you have it bad, take a look at '29 Triangles. They scored excatly one touchdown all season long on fumble return on their way to an 0-6 record and were outscored 136-7. That is epic fail and truly Bizarro Bowl worthy. Back to today's matchup of the Bengals and Raiders. Two wildcard teams meet today for the honor dishonor of representing the AFC in the Bizarro Bowl. Both teams have been really shitty during the playoffs so it's anybody's guess has to who wins this game. The Oakland police department is hoping for a Raiders win so they won't have investigate a gruesome murder scene when the Black Hole riots following a loss. Video and recap right now.

1st Half


2nd Half


In a first half that can only be described as Mickey Rourke ugly, neither team scored. The only scoring chance either team really had was a missed 56 yard field goal by Sebastian Janikowski of the Raiders. Even though he had two interceptions, JaMarcus Russell outplayed Ryan Fitzpatrick since JaMarcus actually got his team in scoring postition. The Bengals only had one first down when Cedric Benson ran 55 yards on the final play of the half. However, with Cedric not really being what one would call a "student of the game," he failed to get out of bounds to give his team a chance to score.

Things started out pretty good for the Bengals in the second half when a Benson run got them to midfield. But two sacks and a pass that resulted in negative yards gave them fourth and 32. After a nice punt return by Johnnie Lee Higgins gave the Raiders good starting field position at their own 45, the Raiders promptly score in two plays on a 48 yard touchdown pass to Ronald Curry. After a Ryan Fitzpatrick interception on the Bengals' ensuing drive gave the Raiders the ball at the Bengals' 38, the Raiders quickly score again on pass to Javon Walker to make it 14-0. The Bengals save themselves of the complete embarrassment of being shut out when Ryan Fitzpatrick scrambles for a meaningless touchdown as time expired. Fitzpatrick finished off two interceptions and zero yards passing and it was only zero yards because I don't think Tecmo Super Bowl can handle negative numbers. The city of Oakland is (somewhat) safe from a riot as Oakland wins. Let's all congratulate the Bizarro AFC Champions, the Cincinnati Bengals! But who will they play for the Bizzaro Bowl championship, the Detroit Lions or the St. Louis Rams? Came back later for the exciting NFC Championship game.

Conference Championship Games Preview

As we wind up the Bizarro Bowl playoffs, I'm reminded of the great philosopher Socrates' last words: "I drank what?" If you're a fan of any of the four teams left in the Bizarro Bowl, you might as well drink the hemlock now and get your suffering over with. There are no quick fixes for your team; Bill Parcells isn't walking through the door; Mark "Dirty" Sanchez ain't gonna help your pathetic teams. These teams are deeply flawed. Three and the four teams fired their head coach. But, hey look it, Chucky is available! In Saturday's AFC Championship game, we have the a battle of the wild card teams with the #5 seeded Cincinnati Bengals at the #6 seeded Oakland Raiders. Both teams have knocked out two higher seeded teams with Cincinnati losing to Buffalo and Cleveland and Oakland being bested by Jacksonville and Kansas City. Something tells me that the Bungles are gonna find a way to fuck this up and make it to the Bizarro Bowl. In Sunday's NFC Championship game, we have the exact opposite where the top seeds have advanced with the #1 seeded Detroit Lions facing the #2 seeded St. Louis Rams. Both teams beat divisional foes in the divisional round with Detroit losing 21-14 to FudgePackers and the Rams getting shut out 10-0 by the Seahawks. While both teams only managed two wins between them this season, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that the team with none of those wins will advance to the Bizarro Bowl. Check back tomorrow for the possibly exciting AFC championship game.