Bizarro Bowl Preview Part 3 - Halftime Entertainment

At the Super Bowl, halftime entertainment has always been tapestry of magic and wonderment. From Carol Channing to Up With People (who played a record three times!!), the Super Bowl never fails to entertain when people are getting some beer and chicken wings or taking a leak. Well the Bizarro Bowl committe obviously lacks the funding to draw these major stars, but that doesn't mean that they can't entertain people. Without further ado, your Bizarro Bowl I halftime entertainment, the world's finest a Neil Diamond impersantor, Tom Sadge! Feel the excitement as Tom Sadge signs Neil Diamond like only he (and about the 4000 other Neil Diamond impersanators) can. Here is a breif preview of what to expect on Sunday:

It just gives me goosebumps just thinking about it. Come back tomorrow as we look at another aspect of Sunday's Big Game.

Bizarro Bowl Preview Part 2 - Gambling

When the Bizarro Bowl line opened at Cincinnati -2.5, the gamblers went nuts and drove the line all the way to -3.5. Wow people must be really excited to put their money down on the likes of Ryan Fitzpatrick and Chad Johnson Ocho Cinco Giant Douchebag. Well, the Lions have yet to win a game all season so it looks like a good bet, right? Let's see how the Lions and Bengals did against the spread (ATS) this year. According to this website, both the Lions and Bengals actually went 7-9 ATS. So this tells us while both teams are bad, they weren't as bad as people expected them to be each week. The Lions actually won their last three of four ATS. The Bengals won their last three both outright and against the spread. So what is my official prediction for this bet? My advice is to not bet on these crap teams and do squares instead. At least with squares, you don't have to root for either one of these eysores.

Bizarro Bowl Preview Part 1 - Location

The inaugural Bizzaro Bowl is upon us and today we learn where the grand gala is happening. Drumroll please...


The Lions were so bad this year that the Bizarro Bowl could be only held one place this year, the Pontiac Silverdome. The Bizarro Bowl's organizers and sponsors were able to pony the $29.95 it took to bribe the Jehovah's Witnesses to hold their convention elsewhere. They just had to bring the bolt cutters so the fans can get in.

The media and all the sponsors were worried about having anything to do in Pontiac, but let's look at all the exciting activities Pontiac has to offer. First, you haven't partied unless you've partied at the Pinegrove Historical Society! And if you need a place to crash after your hard night of partying, you can do it where the Bengals are staying, the Victory Inn in Roseville. Tell 'em Chris Henry sent you and get a free eighth of the chronic. And lastly when you wake up and find yourself hungry, there are not one, not two, but three Arby's to satisfy your hankering for curly fries and horsey sauce. That's it for today, but check back tomorrow as we preview another exciting aspect of the Bizarro Bowl!

Detroit-St. Louis NFC Championship Game

The Detroit Lions are now at 0-17 and looking for a way to end their misery this season, but can they do something they haven't done all a season and put one in the win column? In their way, are the St. Louis Rams, winners of an actual Super Bowl and players that have actually been to a Pro Bowl. The Cowardly Lions lost in the Divisional Round to the Packers on a soul crushing fumble return for a touchdown and the Rams looked very ugly by getting shut out by the Seahawks. Is William Clay Ford Sr. actually watching the team he ran into the ground or is he just busy hiring more imcompetent people to do it for him? Video and recap right now.

1st Half


2nd Half


For fuck's sake, we get another scoreless first half as both teams suck so bad it's not funny (actually it is pretty funny.) The Rams went punt, punt and missed field goal and the Lions went interception, missed field goal and interception. Hey Lions and Rams, here is a suggestion: get a fucking quarterback that doesn't suck donkey dick. Even Rex Grossman would be an upgrade to the shit these teams put under center.

To start the second half, the Lions drive the ball to the Rams' 42 yard line and make the gutsy to call to go for it and fourth and four. Since this the Lions we're talking about here, they fail to convert. The Rams, emboldened by their defensive stand, march down the field and get the game's first points on a two yard touchdown run by Steven Jackson. After exchanging punts, Daunte Culpepper's third interception of the game pretty much seals the Lions' fate. However, an ill advised Marc Bulger pass leads to an interception gives the Lions a first down at their 31 yard line with 35 seconds left and no timeouts. The Lions just don't have any time to make a comeback and they advance to the Bizzaro Bowl to face the Bengals. Another day and another loss for the Lions. Can the finish off their disperfect season to go 19-0 and be the Bizarro Bowl champions or the can the Bengals pull off what the Giants did and shock the world? Check back later for all sorts of Bizzaro Bowl fun including previews, player profiles and gambling advice. Be safe out there!

Cincinnati-Oakland AFC Championship Game

Here we go people, in the first game of the conference championships, we have the Cincinnati Bengals taking on the Oakland Raiders!! Feel the excitement people! There hasn't been a buzz like this surronding a game since the epic clash between the Dayton Triangles and the Providence Steam Roller on September 29th, 1929 where the Triangles narrowly lost 41-0. And Lions fans, if you think you have it bad, take a look at '29 Triangles. They scored excatly one touchdown all season long on fumble return on their way to an 0-6 record and were outscored 136-7. That is epic fail and truly Bizarro Bowl worthy. Back to today's matchup of the Bengals and Raiders. Two wildcard teams meet today for the honor dishonor of representing the AFC in the Bizarro Bowl. Both teams have been really shitty during the playoffs so it's anybody's guess has to who wins this game. The Oakland police department is hoping for a Raiders win so they won't have investigate a gruesome murder scene when the Black Hole riots following a loss. Video and recap right now.

1st Half


2nd Half


In a first half that can only be described as Mickey Rourke ugly, neither team scored. The only scoring chance either team really had was a missed 56 yard field goal by Sebastian Janikowski of the Raiders. Even though he had two interceptions, JaMarcus Russell outplayed Ryan Fitzpatrick since JaMarcus actually got his team in scoring postition. The Bengals only had one first down when Cedric Benson ran 55 yards on the final play of the half. However, with Cedric not really being what one would call a "student of the game," he failed to get out of bounds to give his team a chance to score.

Things started out pretty good for the Bengals in the second half when a Benson run got them to midfield. But two sacks and a pass that resulted in negative yards gave them fourth and 32. After a nice punt return by Johnnie Lee Higgins gave the Raiders good starting field position at their own 45, the Raiders promptly score in two plays on a 48 yard touchdown pass to Ronald Curry. After a Ryan Fitzpatrick interception on the Bengals' ensuing drive gave the Raiders the ball at the Bengals' 38, the Raiders quickly score again on pass to Javon Walker to make it 14-0. The Bengals save themselves of the complete embarrassment of being shut out when Ryan Fitzpatrick scrambles for a meaningless touchdown as time expired. Fitzpatrick finished off two interceptions and zero yards passing and it was only zero yards because I don't think Tecmo Super Bowl can handle negative numbers. The city of Oakland is (somewhat) safe from a riot as Oakland wins. Let's all congratulate the Bizarro AFC Champions, the Cincinnati Bengals! But who will they play for the Bizzaro Bowl championship, the Detroit Lions or the St. Louis Rams? Came back later for the exciting NFC Championship game.

Conference Championship Games Preview

As we wind up the Bizarro Bowl playoffs, I'm reminded of the great philosopher Socrates' last words: "I drank what?" If you're a fan of any of the four teams left in the Bizarro Bowl, you might as well drink the hemlock now and get your suffering over with. There are no quick fixes for your team; Bill Parcells isn't walking through the door; Mark "Dirty" Sanchez ain't gonna help your pathetic teams. These teams are deeply flawed. Three and the four teams fired their head coach. But, hey look it, Chucky is available! In Saturday's AFC Championship game, we have the a battle of the wild card teams with the #5 seeded Cincinnati Bengals at the #6 seeded Oakland Raiders. Both teams have knocked out two higher seeded teams with Cincinnati losing to Buffalo and Cleveland and Oakland being bested by Jacksonville and Kansas City. Something tells me that the Bungles are gonna find a way to fuck this up and make it to the Bizarro Bowl. In Sunday's NFC Championship game, we have the exact opposite where the top seeds have advanced with the #1 seeded Detroit Lions facing the #2 seeded St. Louis Rams. Both teams beat divisional foes in the divisional round with Detroit losing 21-14 to FudgePackers and the Rams getting shut out 10-0 by the Seahawks. While both teams only managed two wins between them this season, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that the team with none of those wins will advance to the Bizarro Bowl. Check back tomorrow for the possibly exciting AFC championship game.

Detroit-Green Bay Divisional Round Game

Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls, here is the team that you all have been waiting for, the Detroit Lions!! Contrary to popular belief, Detroit doesn't look like this:

It's worse. All kidding aside, the Detroit Lions were the definition of "epic fail" this year going 0-16 for the first time in NFL history. Aside from Calvin Johnson, they have no playmakers and their quarterbacks were hurt a lot (where's your messiah now, John Kitna?) Funny little tidbit, if you go to NFLSHOP.com and select the customizable jersey, you can't put "O AND 16", but "O and 15" is allowed. Come on NFL, let the Lions fans take out their disgust on William Clay Ford; it's the least you can do after this soul crushing season. And here is what Matt Millen said to Lions fans all these years:

As for the Green Bay Packers, they lost a spirited battle to the Saints in the Wild Card round, but didn't have enough time for their comeback falling 21-14. Can the Lions do something they haven't done in almost 20 years and win at Lambeau field? Video and recap right now.

1st Half


2nd Half


The Detroit Lions show off some of that offensive firepower they're known for and go three and out on their first drive. The Packers immediately get on the board when Aaron Rodgers hits Greg Jennings for an 81 yard touchdown bomb. However, the Lions in a very un-Lion like manner answer the Packers with a touchdown drive of their own capped off with a six yard scramble by Daunte Culpepper. In another bout of un-Lion like behavior, on the first play of the ensuing Packers' drive, the Lions force a Ryan Grant fumble and return it to the Packers' 21 yard line. However, in a very Lion-like move, Jason Hanson missed a 38 yard field goal attempt set up by the fumble. Neither team did much for the rest of the half and our score is 7-7 at the half.

To start off the third quarter, the Packers mount a drive that takes them to the Lions' 31 yard line. However, it must have been windy at Lambeau as Mason Crosby's 48 yard FG attempt sailed wide right. Something gets in the Lions as Culpepper hits Johnson for a 69 yard TD strike for a 14-7 lead. And yes I'm aware of all of the sexual references in the previous sentence. Of course the Lions give it back when the Packers score on their next drive on an eight yard TD catch by Donald Lee set up by a 71 yard catch by Donald Driver. And the third quarter ended with the game tied at 14 and a chance for the Lions to avoid further embarrassment with a win. But on the first play of the fourth quarter, the Lions fail like they always do when Kevin Smith fumbles the ball and Brady Poppinga returns it 26 yards for a touchdown. The Lions try to make a comeback, but an interception in the end zone pretty much seals their fate. The Lions fall to 0-17 and face the St. Louis Rams in the NFC Championship game. Come back tomorrow when we'll have a exciting preview of the conference championship games.

Kansas City-Oakland Divisional Round Game

Today's matchup pits the AFC's #1 seed, the Kansas City Chiefs, versus the #6 seed Oakland Raiders. In Oakland's wild card game against the Jaguars, only one touchdown was scored and that was on a late 4th quarter pass from David Gerrard. To say that Oakland's offense was anemic is like saying that Michael Jackson enjoys the company of young boys. JaMarcus "Raiders fans wish Al Davis would get a stake through the heart so he doesn't draft players like this guy with the #1 pick" Russell had two picks and completed a Jonathan Quinn-like 30% of his passes in the loss. The Chiefs were bad all season long amassing only two wins all season, however, one of those wins came at Oakland. So who wins, the team that comes from the land of barbecue or the team that comes from the Black Hole (of suck)? Video and recap right now.

1st Half


2nd Half


After a quick three and out by Kansas City, they get the ball right back when Darren McFadden fumbles and Donnie Edwards picks it up and returns it to the Raiders' 16 yard line. Kansas City then draws first blood on a six yard TD run by Larry Johnson. After exchanging punts, Oakland makes another costly turnover. This time a JaMarcus Russell interception gave the Chiefs the ball at the Oakland 47 with 54 seconds left in the first half. After a curious decision by Herm Edwards to kick a field goal with 25 seconds left and a timeout, Nick Novack bangs it off an upright and through to give the Chiefs a 10-0 lead at the end of the first half.

Another Raiders miscue opens up the 2nd half as Johnnie Lee Higgins fumbles the kickoff and Derrick Johnson recovers it and takes it to the Oakland five yard line. However, the Chiefs fail to capitalize on the turnover when Tyler Thigpen throws an interception into the endzone on the first play of the drive. The comedy of errors continues as Justin Griffith fumbles on the first play of the Raiders' drive to give the Chiefs first and goal at the seven. To recap the second half so far; three plays and three turnovers. Truly the Bizarro Bowl at its finest. The Chiefs, however, don't make the same mistake twice and give the ball to Larry Johnson for a quick touchdown run. Johnnie Lee Higgins atones (kind of) for his mistake by taking the ensuing kickoff to the Chiefs' 19 yard line. However, the Raider offense sputters like it usually does and a 32 yard field goal attempt would be all they get. However, with the Raiders being the Raiders, Sebastian "GHB" Janikowski misses the field goal. In the game nobody wants to win, Tyler Thigpen throws another interception to give the Raiders the ball back at the Chiefs' 25. The Raiders finally get on the board when Russell hooks up with (ewwww) Zach Miller for a 25 yard touchdown. The Chiefs respond by driving the ball 60 yards down field and score on a four yard TD run by Larry Johnson to make it 24-7. Johnnie Lee Higgins takes the ensuing kickoff to the house to make it a little more interesting at 24-14. An onside kick attempt by the Raiders failed and the Chiefs were able to take off a good chunk of the clock before they punted. The Raiders drove the ball to the Chiefs' 34, but could not proceed any further as time had expired. The Raiders really have nobody to blame but themselves as they committed four turnovers that lead to 17 Chiefs points. So another upset in the AFC playoffs and we'll see Cincinnati going to Oakland for the Bizarro AFC championship.

St. Louis-Seattle Divisional Round Game

Here is our second game of the divisional round of the Bizarro Bowl playoffs with the crap of the NFC West, the St. Louis Rams playing the Seattle Seahawks. Both teams lost their coaches this year with Seattle's Mike "5 cent mustache ride" Holmgreen retiring and St. Louis' Scott Linnehan and his replacement, Jim Haslett, both shitcanned. Who wins, the drunken Rams, home of Anheiser-Busch, or the over caffeinated Seahawks, home of Starbucks? Video and recap right now.

1st Half


2nd Half


ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Jeez, another really boring game. After the Seahawks and the Rams exchanged interceptions on their first possessions, the Seahawks recover a muffed Rams punt to get first and ten on the Rams' 18. Despite the great starting field position, the Seahawks only manage a 30 yard field goal by Orlindo Mare for a 3-0 lead. After a Marc Bulger interception, the Seahawks tried a 55 yard FG with 9 seconds left, but it sailed wide right and 3-0 is our score at halftime.

The Rams get great starting field position to start the second half when Dante Hall reclaimed some of his Chiefs magic and returned the kickoff to the Seahawks' 29. The Rams fail to capitalize, however, when Josh Brown's 52 yard FG attempt sails wide right. On the ensuing Seahawks' possession, Maurice Morris carries his team on his back and scores the game's only touchdown on a two yard run. The only other scoring chance either team had was a missed Seahawks field goal. St. Louis gets shut out and advances to the NFC championship game.

Cleveland-Cincinnati Divisional Round Game

Here is our first game of the Divisional Round of the Bizarro Bowls playoffs pitting the Cleveland Browns against their divisional rival, the Cincinnati Bengals. Buffalo anally raped the the Bengals with chicken wings in the wild card round to the tune of of 31-10. The Browns sucked dick all season long just like Brady Quinn:


So who wins the battle of O-hi-o? Video and recap right now:

1st Half


2nd Half


And we get the first shootout of the Bizarro Bowl! On the first drive of the game, Cedric Benson does what he does best and that's sucking by fumbling and giving the Browns good field position at the Bengals' 48. On the first play from scrimmage, Jamal "Hey, you want some blow?" Lewis breaks a few tackles from the shitty Bengals' defense and takes it to the house to give the Browns an early 7-0 lead. After the Bengals failed to get anything going on offense, the Browns drove the ball from their 7 to the Bengals' 34 to set up a 51 yard Phil Dawson field goal. The Bengals' ineptitude continued on offense when Cedric Benson couldn't get out of his own end zone to give the Browns a safety and a 12-0 lead. However, after a missed 58 yard field goal by Phil Dawson gave the Bengals first down on their forty, Chris Henry catches a 60 year bomb from Ryan Fitzpatrick to cut the Browns' lead to 12-7. The Browns had a chance to add their lead just before the when Josh Cribbs took the ensuing kickoff to the Bengals' 25, but Phil Dawson missed his second consecutive field goal attempt and the score remained 12-7 Browns at the half.

On their first possession of the second half, the Browns continued to move the ball down the field and Jamal Lewis took a toss 40 yards to give the Browns a 19-7 lead. The Bengals answered on their next drive on an eight yard TD toss to Chris Henry to make the score 19-14. This would be the score at the end of the third quarter. The Browns responded with a 12 yard TD strike to Braylon Edwards to once again put them up two scores at 26-14. Another Chris Henry touchdown, this time set up by a flea flicker, closes the gap once again at 26-21. Marvin Lewis tries the onside kick on the ensuing kickoff, but the Browns recover at the Bengals' 45. Jamal Lewis breaks off another long run to put the Browns up 33-21 with a minute left. The Bengals just ran out of time and the game ends 33-21 for our first true upset of the playoffs. For a team that was offensively challenged the last six weeks of the season, the Browns really stepped up and earned their way out the Bizarro Bowl playoffs. For the Bengals, their nightmare season continues to the AFC championship game.

Divisional Round Preview

The Divisional Round of the Bizarro Bowl playoffs is set and the matchups are as following:

AFC
#1 Kansas City at #6 Oakland
#2 Cleveland at #5 Cincinnati

NFC
#1 Detroit at #6 Green Bay
#2 St. Louis at #5 Seattle

It's interesting to see that all four of the games are intradivisional. If the old saying is true, familiarity does breed contempt. Especially if you're a fan of one these so called teams. The big game is, of course, Detroit at Green Bay. In the final game of the year, the Packers beat the Lions to send them to an unprecedented 0-16 to finish off their disperfect season. The Lions will do anything possible to avoid "winning" the inaugural Bizarro Bowl, but they haven't won a game so far and I don't think their streak ends this week. In other games, Yancy Tyler Thigpen actually played kinda decent down the stretch for the Chiefs so I predict an upset. Seattle shouldn't have too much trouble against a Rams Team that pretty much laid down the two and half months of the season (so much for that great turnaround job by Jim Haslett during those two weeks huh?) The real stinker of the week is going to be Browns-Bengals. The Browns went without scoring an offensive touchdown for a six straight weeks setting a rather dubious NFL record. The Bengals started out the season 0-8, but beat a couple of unmotivated teams late in the season to look better than they actually are. At least they know that regular season NFL games can end in a tie. I like the Bengals in this game by a touchdown. Here is the schedule for the Divisonal Round of the Bizarro Bowl Playoffs:

Saturday
#2 Cleveland at #5 Cincinnati
Sunday
#2 St. Louis at #5 Seattle
Monday
#1 Kansas City at #6 Oakland
Tuesday
#1 Detroit at #6 Green Bay

Enjoy the games!!

New Orleans-Green Bay Wild Card Game

Here we go folks, the final game of the Bizarro Bowl Wild Card round. Today's match up features the New Orleans Taints Saints and the Green Bay FudgePackers. The Saints had another disappointing year finishing 8-8 and failing to make the playoffs for the second straight year after making it to the NFC Championship Game in 2006. Speaking of teams who've lost in the NFC Championship Game thanks to another soul crushing interception by Brett Favre in overtime, we have the last year's losers the Green Bay Packers. The Packers had a new starting QB in Aaron Rodgers when Brett Favre (Fuck you Brett Favre) retired unretired got traded to the Jets. However young Rodgers played pretty decent, but their defense sucked balls and they finished with a 6-10 record. Quick fact about Green Bay: everybody's weddings are Packer themed. Here is exhibit A:



So who wins the Cajun Gumbos or the Frozen Tundra Cheeseheads. Video and recap right now.

1st Half


2nd Half


The Saints got off to quick start when the Packers defense failed again and Drew Brees hit Devery Henderson for a 58 yard touchdown strike on the opening possession. After a three and out on their first possession, the Packers got the ball back on the ensuing New Orleans drive when Billy Miller fumbled and the Packers recovered at the Saints' 42. It only took two plays for Rodgers to find Donald Driver for the touchdown to tie the game at 7. This would be the only scoring of the half as New Orleans missed a chip shot field with three seconds remaining. The Packers looked like they were going to take their first lead of the game early in the second half when Rodgers and Driver hooked up again for a 79 yard gain to set up 1st and ten and at the Saints' 13 yard line. However, it was not to be as Rodgers threw an interception to former Packer Mike McKenzie in the endzone for a touchback. The Saints then drove the length of the field and scored on a six yard Duece McAllister run set up by a long reception by Marques Colston to put them up 14-7. On the next possession, Green Bay gambles and goes for it on fourth and 15 from their 40, but a pass deflection gives the Saints the ball on downs. This would be prove to be a costly tactical error on Packers' part as the Saints score on their first play of the drive on another TD catch by Henderson and take a 21-7 lead. The Packers fought valiantly to come back, but it was not to be. They managed to score late on another Driver TD, but with only 19 seconds left when he caught it, they would need a miracle. The Packers did manage to recover the onside kick, but with only five seconds left when they did. A last second hail mary to Driver fell short and the ball game was over. A loss means the the Packers are now going to Divisional Round of the playoffs to face their divisional rivals, the Detroit Lions.

Come back tomorrow where we'll preview all of the exciting Divisional Round Playoff action!

Buffalo-Cincinnati Wild Card Game

Today's match-up pits the zombie coach Dick Jauron's Buffalo Bills versus Marvin "Why God Haven't I Been Fired Yet?" Lewis's Cincinnati Bengals. The Bills started out the season like a house on fire going 5-1 then going 2-8 to finish off the year. Cincinnati has certainly lived up to their "Bungles" nickname losing their first eight games before finishing 4-11-1 on the year. So who wins: Bills or Bengals? Video and recap right now:

1st Half:


2nd Half:


Holy fucking shit, the Bengals suck more fucking dick than a hooker on two for one blowjob night. The Bills just fucking destroyed their tight little rectums. The Bills scored on their second possesion of the game when the Bengals couldn't catch Josh Reed when he caught the ball on the 46 and he took it to the house near the end of the first quarter. A three yard TD run by Fred Jackson with less than minute left in the first half gave the Bills a 14-0 lead at intermission. The Bengals had first and goal at the one, but they fucked it up like they usually do and settle for a field goal. The Bills get the field goal back after a drive set up by a pick by Ko Simpson off of Ryan Fitzpatrick. On the ensuing drive Cedrick "Bears Fans are so fucking happy they got rid of that lazy fucking prick" Benson fumbles the ball and Angelo Crowell scooped it up for a quick TD. The Bengals save a little bit of dignity by scoring on a long bomb to Andre Caldwell, but they still fuck up by giving up another long bomb to Josh Reed as time expired. Final Score 31-10 Bills and the Bengals advance to the next round.

Washington-Seattle Wild Card Game

In the second game of our double header features two teams that made the NFL playoffs last year, the Washington Redskins and the Seattle Seahawks. Which team will win: the team with the racist mascot or the team from the city that's had a pretty hard sports year. Video and recap right here:

1st Half


2nd Half


Our first score of the game came early in the first quarter with a rare fumble recovery for a TD by Seattle's Lofa Tatupa. Washington quickly tied it up with a 20 yard TD run by Clinton Portis. That's all the scoring we would get in the first half and it's tied 7-7. Our first score in the 2nd half came with four seconds left in the 3rd quarter when Chris Cooley finally showed something other than his penis when his nine yard TD reception gave the Redskins a 14-7 lead. Seattle had a chance to tie the score after Bobby Engram caught a long bomb to set up first and goal at the three, but a Seneca Wallace interception to Reed Doughty ended that threat. A Jason Campbell scramble for a TD as time expired finished off the game 21-7 Redskins. The Redskins avoid the Bizarro Bowl crown as they end their season with a little bit of their dignity intact. Check back tomorrow for an exciting match up between the Buffalo Bills and Cincinatti Bengals.

Jacksonville-Oakland Wild Card Game

Sorry that I couldn't to this yesterday, but I'll have a double header today. Our first matchup pits #3 Jacksonville against #6 Oakland. Jacksonville had a very disappointing 2008 season after making the playoffs last year. Oakland, well, they haven't been good since Al Davis became a creature of the night. Who will win: the Jaguars or the Raiders? Video and recap right here:

1st Half

2nd Half


Be thankful that this game was only simulated because I think the denizens of the Black Hole would have burned Oakland Colesium to the ground had this been a real game. It was a truly shitty game really befit of the Bizarro Bowl with the only score of the game coming with only 31 seconds left in the game on a Silky David Garrard strike to Reggie Williams. Both quarterbacks only completed 30% of their passes with two picks each. If you think this is bad, just wait until you see the Lions play. With the loss, the Raiders move on to the Divisional Round of the Bizarro Bowl playoffs. I'll see later today with the Washington-Seattle game.

Welcome to Bizarro Bowl

Welcome to Bizarro Bowl where we're dedicated to finding the worst team in the NFL this season in a playoff bracket similar to the current NFL playoffs, but with a twist. Here the team that loses advances. The first question you might ask yourself is: "The Detroit Lions were an unprecedented 0 and 16. Surely, aren't they the worst in the NFL this season and most likely of all time?" Excellent point, yes, but the Patriots went 16 and 0 last season and we all know how well that worked out for them. And the Detroit Lions need to suffer more. The second question you might ask yourself is: "Why the Bizarro Bowl? Why not the Toilet Bowl, the Shit Bowl or the Morning After Drinking and a 3 AM Burrito Diarrhea Bowl?" I was going to call it the "Fail Bowl," but that sounded a little to interwebz-y for my tastes. So I thought this is the opposite of the Super Bowl and since we all know that Bizarro is the opposite of Superman, I went with the Bizarro Bowl (and I think it sounds cool.) The last question you might ask yourself is: "How does the Bizarro Bowl work?" The Bizarro Bowl playoffs work almost exactly like the NFL playoffs, but in reverse. Each division loser is given a spot along with two wild-cards from each conference with the worst record. Tie-breakers are the reverse of the NFL tiebreakers found here. Seeding is done with division losers seeded 1 through 4 and the two wild-card teams 5 and 6. Unlike with the NFL, teams with the lower seed get home field advantage. Games will simulated using Tecmo Super Bowl for the NES with Drummer4God's patch with each teams' updated 2008 roster found here. I will record the movies and upload them to YouTube. For the Wild Card round, I plan on doing one game per day starting on Saturday and the same for the Divisional Round. For the Conference Championship weekend, I'll post one game Saturday and one Sunday. The Bizarro Bowl will be played on Super Bowl Sunday. Without further ado, here are the seeds and the first weekend's schedule:

AFC:
1. Kansas City (2-14)
2. Cleveland (4-12)
3. Jacksonville (5-11)
4. Buffalo (7-9)
5. Cincinnati (4-11-1)
6. Oakland (5-11)

NFC:
1. Detroit Lions (0-16)
2. St. Louis (2-14)
3. New Orleans (8-8)
4. Washington (8-8)
5. Seattle (4-12)
6. Green Bay (6-10)

Saturday: Jacksonville @ Oakland
Sunday: Washington @ Seattle
Monday: Buffalo @ Cincinnati
Tuesday: New Orleans @ Green Bay

Enjoy the games!